A Kinder September

September begins on the same day of the week as December every year, because there are 91 days in September, October and November, which is a multiple of seven. No other month ends on the same day of the week as September in any year. 

There are times when existence itself can feel overwhelming. I hurt too easily - although I loathe to show it and the seemingly unceasing cacophony of thoughts, memories and ideas are just too draining...too painful, even. I would like to, on occasion, leave my head somewhere and come back to it when I've had time to recharge and leave the entire planet for a while to hide away from all the noise. Get away from that sense of something slowly closing over the chest and throat.

Here Ends Dinosaur

On the 22nd of this month I turned 26. Not a notable age. Certainly not any kind of milestone, but recently I felt a change come over me. It is subtle, but it is there and I have welcomed it. Perhaps this small change has nothing at all to do with the passing of years but however it came about I am glad to have it. I feel a little braver...more sure of myself and for the first time ever I am experiencing the dizzying sensation of true confidence.

I think a lot of it comes down to having a young child. When Robin was born I knew immediately that I did not want him to pick up on and possibly adopt my insecurities - it just wouldn't be fair. But that tired old mantra of 'fake it until you make it' had never worked for me. How do you go about faking something you have absolutely no understanding or knowledge of whatsoever? Subtle social cues and body language always befuddled me and any attempts to mimic them always fell flat. I felt so disconnected.

Eventually, the fear of other people left me. It took time. The need to constantly please vanished. Eye contact no longer felt quite so jarring (although to this day it suggests a level of intimacy to me that I'm not always comfortable with). One day, I'll talk about it in detail - but that will be a separate post.

Now, I was originally talking about small changes and bravery. With bravery comes exploration!